The question most often asked at the Board Room to Family Room workshop, The Power Within: Inspire Your Teen is "Which is better, punishment or reward? I can't get my kids to do anything without telling them 10 times - even when I reward/punish them - it drives me crazy!"
The answer, which is evident when you look at the dismal outcome, is neither.
Both punishment and reward kill initiative, self direction and drive because... they are both external controls. We all want our kids to show initiative - and we'll do whatever it takes to let them know it: take away privileges, pile on privileges, direct, berate, and lecture. But as becomes clear, these techniques have a diminishing effect over time at best, and the opposite effect at worst.
What does work? In the office, we know that employees of managers who create an environment where employees understand the short and long term goals, where they feel empowered and in possession of the necessary skills to complete their job, are three times more likely to report an excellent quality of life and are six times more likely to be engaged in their jobs as measured by increased productivity, profitability and retention. (Marcus Buckingham, Now Discover Your Strengths).
So how does that translate at home? Parents who effectively develop, model and teach leadership skills to create a shared, age appropriate perspective of the future, and who teach the necessary skills, can empower their kids to act with initiative and self direction: to do the job for the intrinsic reward of contributing something of value on their way to the future they believe in. When we think of our kids as management trainees who will one day be doing our job rather than entry level employees requiring continuous instructions, we can change the fundamental dynamics of our families for the better.
Find out how to use 5 best practice leadership principles create an environment at home where kids can feel empowered at http://br2fr.com/
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I love the format of this post! Discussing a parenting challenge and then relating it to the business world - it helps those of us who are business minded and babysitters/future parents understand!
ReplyDeleteI agree that tangible rewards kill incentive - but what "positive reinforcement" rewards?
Example:
I am babysitting two young boys tonight (3 and 5). Getting them to bed is always a challenge - and I don't blame them for trying to stay up late on a Friday night! Initially I said to the boys "if you boys aren't going to cooperate, then no storytime"! Their reaction was obviously defensive. So I turned the situation around, kneeled down so I was at their eye level and said "will you boys help me get you both all ready for bed so that when your mom and dad come home I can tell them that that you both were so good tonight? " They both agreed, got to brushing their teeth and jumped into bed when asked.
Question for Laurie:
What is your analysis of this situation? Did I bribe them? (Yikes)
Emily - You were thinking like a leader! You helped the boys clarify a goal – a future outcome - and supported them in achieving it. They know they feel better when they get recognized for the good things they do. You not only helped them recognize it, but you also helped them figure out just what they could be doing at that moment to achieve the positive outcome. You turned your first attempt, a punishment, into an opportunity for them to align their actions to achieve a goal! Good job. I hope they got story time too!
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